Day 23: The Prisoner of Unfuckaban

I put my clothes away after taking them off to put on my BADASS BEAR PAJAMAS instead of leaving them on the floor!

I HUNG UP A BLOUSE. RIGHT AFTER I TOOK IT OFF. I may not have actually done that since like 10th grade.

SHUT UP, you know it’s easier to just be like: YOU! CHAIR!



Day 16: On the Flipside


I decided to do one of UFYH’s 20/10 thingies—20 minutes of work and 10 minutes of rest. And that led to more and more until I accomplished the following.

I cleaned the kitchen! And the living room!

I took off the ugly pink runners on the french doors in said living room and cleaned the glass (twice, because apparently Simple Green is Not Rated for glass)!

I cooked roasted dijon cream chicken for dinner! We ate it at the table without the TV on like MOTHERFUCKING ADULTS.


And then, dear Reader, I attacked the closet.

Basically, I’d let it get to a point where I couldn’t unpack without broaching the unfreakingodly mess that is our closet. I’ve basically learned to unsee it City and the City style for like six months and, well, this is the result of that FANTASTIC PLAN.


Using my 6’2 husband’s skills at Reaching Things, as well as a Brutal Ninja of Entropy Executioner approach to what to keep and what to let go of, in the space of an episode of Survivor I managed to turn that into this:

Now, it’s not done, there’s still that mess of chaos and the bones of the damned in the back there, but it’s MUCH IMPROVED, yes?

In a rush of victory I put a load of laundry in, unloaded the dishwasher, tidied up after dinner, made myself some green apple, ginger, and cucumber juice, and am now settled down to an episode of Blackadder with my lynxy kitty and two giant hounds cuddled up around me, with my clothes picked out for tomorrow and no immediate housework to do when I get up.



Day 6: Fourth Quarter Unfucking

One form filled out, one unable to fill out because of random weird circumstances, emailed home office, asked for clarification. Did not pack. Will do tomorrow. Stuff read, student conference licked. Cleaned up after dinner, will now look through some knitting patterns for a project to take to NYC.

Day was stupid and backwards because I  had my head on backwards, still unfucked it.

PS Tumblr is weird and not user friendly in many ways. What is this primary blog shit, I ask you. Just because you auto-created some untitled blog when I signed up a year ago and couldn’t think of anything to do with Tumblr til now doesn’t mean I should only be able to ask questions and like things as that blog, and never ever be able to switch to the thing which actually is my primary blog or turn on replying on any blog but that sad empty shell of whatever that I don’t even use. Good lord, why even have sub-blogs then?

Also this theme is pretty but lacks functionality. It doesn’t even do italics. HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE CAPS, YO.

Color me unim-fucking-pressed.


Day Actual 1 (Evening Edition)

ALL RIGHT, SELF. How did the second half of the day go?

Well. I wrote for an hour and a half, attempting the new Do Not Kill Self method.

Bought my plane ticket to New York! Which I am going to on Tuesday! But it stresses me out so much to arrange travel I put it off and get to pay the idiot tax!

I am a fucking peasant when it comes to money. All terrified and THIS ONE POTATO REPRESENTS MY SOUL WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMPOUND INTEREST?

Then…I started to slip into the Internet Pit. It was exciting, that people actually did want to hear about this crap! That my complete inability to run my damn life is moderately amusing! And then there was Reddit and Twitter and mah gossipblawgs. (Yes, shut up, I read celebrity gossip blogs, I could justify with 39 flavors of deconstructive societal classist WHATEVER but this shit right here is supposed to be REAL, SON, so yeah, I know more about Lohan than I should.)

So I started to slide into Stare At the Screen Until Soul Seeps Out Through My Eyeballs mode. And it really was just the prospect of: “if I do more things I can post more funny gifs” that got me out of that funk and down to my office. And people seeming to actually get something out of this mess of goofy gifs and swears. Hi everyone! But it is SO EASY to be like LOOKIT WHAT I DID AFORE NOON. I’M ON BREAK! And I was slumping into that time vortex of click…click…click…refresh.

Obviously, I have Relationship Issues with my Internet.

But then! I was all HULK LIKE THAT ONE SONG and if I did one more thing I could reference it on tumblr! Seriously, that was my motivation. That’s it.

So I made an invoice LIKE AN ACTUAL BOSS. I have never made one before! It was so pretty! I’m gonna get paid!

And I made dinner! I checked my clock, we sat down at 6:20, which is some kind of LAND SPEED RECORD around here. I was bored by the prospects of the only real meat we had, which was trout—delicious, but sort of sits there on the plate like a big lump of protein and it wasn’t inspiring me. SO I POACHED THAT MOFO in coconut cream and almonds, made a strawberry arugula salad and parmesan black pepper bread (not the bread, just the putting cheese and pepper on it) and put the same strawberries on some Irish soda bread for dessert. BAM.


Then I cleaned the kitchen THE SAME NIGHT. Like, I got it dirty, and THEN I CLEANED IT. I did not wait for the dishes to gain sentience and judge me! I also mopped the floor! I only did that because we have guests coming on Friday!



Yes, we still had our Christmas tree up! Outside lights, too! It is Ash Wednesday! SUCCESS.

Beastie and I stripped the tree, jammed it out of the door, boxed everything up, moved the bookcases back into the library and put away the wrapping paper that was STILL HANGING OUT from December.

Much of these are minor victories. It’s easy to do well on the first day of a new plan. The flip side of that CLEAN ALL THE THINGS comic we all love is that it works for a week and then you’re back crying into your gruel. But I’ve been saying “Tomorrow I’ll wake up early and work AND clean AND do things I’m scared of AND have dinner ready before eight AND blog…” basically since I moved to Maine and this is literally the first day I have done it.


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