March222012

Anonymous said: A suggestion. (Anxiety and bipolar; a year and a half ago I couldn't leave the house. I know a bit about unfucking a life.) There is no moral high ground to putting away clothes. It's just clothes. No adulthood badge conferred for waking up at 7. Writing a book in 3 months instead of 4 weeks is not a more perfect method. You are already a functional person. So rather than try to change, or 'unfuck', yourself by some scale good to bad, just figure out what works, what keeps you sane and happy.

Here’s the thing. What makes me feel better isn’t universal. It will not make everyone feel better. In the popularity of this blog it seems to have gotten lost that this is my space, and it was never meant to be anything more than that. I’m glad people like it, but it’s meant to be a shield to keep out sadness, as Movie!Max would say. If I feel like I’m a better person for having put an article of clothing away (believe me, it was just the once) then I should be able to say so without being told I’m fine as it is and there’s no point to that.

I’m not fine as I am. God, obviously, or I wouldn’t have started this thing. I’ve not posted in over a week because I have had excitement with medication adjustment and have been depressed and anxious and miserable—and I’ve let the house and my work go and it’s all piled up again. I’m not fine. By MY standards. My current situation does not make me sane or happy. But I’ve never talked about good or bad, or implied that I’m better than anyone else for trying to dig myself out of a hole entirely of my own creation.

I’ve honestly managed to get pretty frustrated, as the mild, kind suggestions that maybe I shouldn’t use the f-word anywhere that can be linked back to me because I sometimes write books for kids have started to crop up. I feel like my job weighs down even this thing that makes me happy and more functional. So to be told on top of it that there’s really no point to anything I’m doing here, don’t try to change, I’m fine if I don’t wake up early or clean my space or fix my work habits really is just the cake and the icing too.

Yeah, I know I don’t get a badge. (Except my beloved gifs!) Thanks. But this IS figuring out what works and keeps me sane and happy. That is the same thing as unfucking, for SERIOUS. There IS a moral high ground because one makes me feel competent and able and balanced and one makes me feel miserable and my morality involves not making more misery in the world.

Please, please don’t tell me not to do this stuff. It’s not helpful. It doesn’t release me from some great burden to be perfect. I’m not perfect! IT’S A FACT. If it triggers some trauma in your heart from your own past, don’t read girlunlocked anymore. But I need this, and I shouldn’t have to feel bad for needing it. I also need to wake up early and put things away and write more slowly because these things objectively improve my life.

I realize I’ve unloaded on you a little here, but it’s very upsetting to be trying as hard as you can to fundamentally change your life and have someone dismiss those efforts in this way. I’m not functional. Or else I wouldn’t have to blog about making my damn bed like it’s some kind of Red Sea parting miracle.

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