Girl Unlocked

Day 35: Everyone <3 Unfucking

YOU TELL EM LUCAS.

Yeah, I don’t even know. In the minus column, I didn’t make my bed or tidy up much of anything (by which I mean anything at all) or fold any of the three baskets of laundry that need to be folded.

The plus column is complicated!

I could NOT get up this morning. Just flat exhausted, second day in a row.

On the bright side, I have a sweet outfit on today. Black skirt with green swirly stripe, green curvy top, long brass tassel necklace, toast-colored clog heels. Booya. Did my makeup and everything.

Beastly was super stressed about his deadlines and I’ve been super stressed about mine. I got us breakfast at the cafe and dinner ingredients so I wouldn’t have to bother with the whole WHAT SHOULD WE HAVE FOR DINNER Eternal Debate. (Saffron-Honey Carnitas with Cumin Guacamole. I have been told my carnitas are comfort food.)

I went to my office. I’ve had these poems due for several days and every damn line is like PULLING TEETH. GOD.

I’m days late starting on the novella and novel because of these poems, and I guess I’m sort of done with them mostly but I am DUBIOUS as to their quality and it was SO HARD. BARF. I’ve just dragged myself to the end of both of them and sort of hate myself and feel like I’m already behind on the major projects because of it.

Came home, practiced accordion, which I hadn’t done for two days, and my performance can be summed up as blerrrrrg.

We got an accountant like motherfucking grownups. Intake appointment tomorrow. I’m terrified.

I don’t know. Today sucked. Yesterday sucked. I did things, the plus column is bigger than the minus and I can’t say I failed at the day, but every one was SO HARD. SWAMP OF SADNESS HARD.

ARTAAAAX. YOU STUPID FUCKING HORSE. YOU HAVE TO CAAAAAAARE. Though technically speaking it’s not the Swamp of Not Giving a Shit. That place would probably be pretty chill.

I live in hope of a good mood landing on me tomorrow. OH WAIT ACCOUNTANT. UNLIKELY.

Food. Drag Race. Poem editing. Moose pajamas.

Day 7/Week 2: The Unfucking of the Titans

I woke up BY MY OWN DAMN SELF at 7:30 this morning. MOST TRIUMPHANT.

Good thing, too, as I had an early talk at a super crazy posh private school.

I’m in New York all week!

So the unfucking, she is restricted to Brainspace, Work Habits, and Social Skillz. ALL COULD USE SIGNIFICANT SELF-WITCHERY.

The Self Witch arrives on a broom and teaches you DEMONOLOGY. The kind where you OLOGY your OWN DEMONS.

And then she organizes your files.

Anyway, I always feel a little Intrepid Girl Reporter when in New York, because I can HANDLE THE SUBWAYS LIKE WHATEVER and it’s all CITY BIG AND TALL and I have meetings and business lunches like a motherfucking TITAN OF INDUSTRYZ.

I installed a Week Planner app to keep my shit on the up and up for the week. I returned some emails and line edits, but other than that I’m in Out of Town mode, which is sort of a holding pattern of Get Things Done, Sleep, Eat, Move Onto Next Thing. I’m trying to enjoy myself more this trip—that would be a nice thing to unfuck! Actually Enjoy Travel Instead of Being Stressy Fun Ball!

Other than that, well, you know that thing where I’m irrationally afraid that my bank account balance will suddenly be zero point nothing? YEAH IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

I’m not going to get into what went tits-up—it’s ok, it went to pay for something that needed paying, we’ve taken care of it; it sucks and is scary but avoidable in the future, it wasn’t my main account, nor so much money that we’re really crazy hurt by it, but damn, MY HEART DID NOT NEED THAT FUCKERY.

So I am in need of AGGRESSIVE CHEERING UP. WE ARE AT DEFCON LIKE 2 OR SOMETHING. IMMINENT WINE EVENT.

Keep on unfucking while I’m gone! I love how so many of us are On This Trip together.

SHANTE WE ALL STAY.

Day Actual 1: Unfuck Hard (Morning Edition)

I GOT UP AT 8:45 LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING GANGSTER.

My ultimate goal is 7:45. I put out my clothes, got to bed at ten to 1, read The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society for 15 minutes, took my meds and went to sleep. Woke up ON MY OWN LIKE A FREAKING SORCERESS at 8:00, snuggled into the warm covers and drifted in and out for another 45 minutes.

MY MORNING, LET ME SHOW YOU IT.

I made my bed. CHAMPION.

Unfuck Your Habitat says this is essential for human happiness. It says something that I couldn’t even find one of the fancy brocade pillows we have to finish it off, but that bed is MADE. And I took my meds right away.

I put on a tiny bit of make up! Unfucking my makeup is a post all its own—my friend Cyl taught me how to do this little brush of make up that takes about 60 seconds when she does it and about 3 minutes when I do it, and I’m not made up like one of those girls who has to have her “face on” all the time, but just less deep dark circles and a look that says “I hate humanity.” Wearing a teeny wash of makeup makes me feel like I GOT MY WAR PAINT ON, YO.

I WENT TO THE POST OFFICE.

I have pretty severe anxiety about the post office. I don’t really know what I think is going to happen to me there, but it’s scary and not ok. Possibly because when I lived in Japan, all news from home came through the military post office? Anyway I will put it off literally forever. This has caused Actual BusinessGrrl Problems. But today I went! I returned a mail order thing! Ph33r me!

Then I went to the bank like a motherfucking grown-up and deposited checks that have been sitting on my desk for a month! Again, I have huge bank anxiety. When living la vida military, I used to go check the balance and the rent money would be gone because some person I was inadvisably married to would have bought like, Persian rugs or some shit in Saudi Arabia and not told me. Thus I am terrified of suddenly discovering everything I’ve ever saved and earned is gone. But it wasn’t! I ADDED MORE MONEY TO THE MONEY ALREADY THERE. I AM MAGICAL.

THEN. I popped into the store, grabbed haddock, raisins, almonds, and arugula which is MY FAVORITE GREEN OF ALL TIME and I use caps for excitement because I live on an island and they do not always carry my favorite things in the store. Then I came home and I made MY OWN COFFEE (even though I forgot I’d kept the leftover coffee from yesterday in the fridge and didn’t really have to make a fresh cup) a big goddamn batch of kedgeree so that we could have ready-made breakfast for the week as my husband (hereafterknown affectionately as Beast) has apparently NOT BEEN EATING BREAKFAST.

Actual food prepared by me. (This is the world’s easiest food: hard boil four eggs, broil haddock, fry onions, mix together with rice, curry powder, parsley/cilantro, arugula or other bitter green, raisins, sliced almonds, and chopped egg, lightly fry while mixing.)

Why kedgeree? Motherfucking Downton Abbey, bitches. It looked really good when they made it for the rich people in episode 1 which I showed to my Beast last night. SO I MADE IT EXIST IN MY KITCHEN.

I have done all this by noon! Now it remains to be seen if I can do some work unfucking in the second part of the day. My motivation wanes as the afternoon goes on—I have to grab it and lasso it and cowboy it first thing. It’s a race between me and my lazy bullshit soul to see who will get to sit on the day and call it dirty names.

As of noon, it’s going my way. But this is the first day of a New Thing—it’s fairly easy to do it on Day 1. It’s Day 10 you have to worry about.

(Oh god, the fun of gifs! I have been set free. I have to be all SRS WRITER IS SRS on most of the web, but here I can dork up as many stupid memes as I want! It’s like in the Uplift Saga, you know? Those aliens who can make images appear above their heads to supplement their emotions? THAT IS ME BUT WITH DANCING DOCTOR WHO.)

Also yeah, gonna take awhile to get used to the whole tumblr = small posts thing. I BLOG LARGE, KIDS.

Day -1

So what did I unfuck today?

I paid off FOUR motherfucking credit cards LIKE A BOSS. Completely off. They are ex-credit cards. Paid February’s outstanding bills and gathered material for student loan unfucking.

I made chana masala for dinner and it was done by 7. I did the dishes WHILE the masala simmered instead of casting a Schrodinger’s Mess spell on them and not opening the dishwasher to see if the cat dishes were dead or alive.

I blogged twice, once on my usual site and once on the site I’m guest blogging for, which takes a lot of energy because the comments get very argumentative on that blog and sometimes I fear the internet.

I overslept til 10:45 because I’d been at a con all weekend and resetting your alarm while already falling back asleep apparently is not super effective. I did not get any fiction done, but I did make my own coffee. This is a thing, because my husband makes such amazing, seriously magical coffee. It is so good that when I make my own it just tastes like despair and disappointment. When he is not here I mainly just make this face at the Chemex:

And go without.

But not today! Today I made my own. TASTE PROFILE: ACCEPTABLE.

Before bed I will pick out my clothes for tomorrow—actual clothes, not my robot pajamas—do the last of the dishes, and read for at least 15 minutes, because of the stupid irony of being so busy writing books I don’t have time to read them.

And obviously I made a tumblr.

It was only an ok day. The real unfuckening begins tomorrow.

This is forever my grim determination gif. Get your tits on, girl.

Maybe I even get to bed by 1 am. YOU DON’T KNOW, IT COULD HAPPEN.